Every year Father’s Day rolls around with a similar script:
Dad unwraps golf clubs, tickets to a game, or fishing gear. Something that says: You deserve time for yourself. You deserve fun. You deserve a break.
But when it comes back around to Mother’s Day, about a million new pots and pans are unwrapped beneath a shiny ribbon and presented as appreciation. But it begs the uncomfortable question:
Why are women rewarded with tools used for labor that society already expects them to carry out?
The answer isn’t about kitchen appliances. It’s about the stories we’ve been telling ourselves for generations.
In a 2013 Pew Research Study, it turns out that fathers have roughly three more hours of leisure time than mothers. Their free time is spent on watching tv, playing sports, or relaxing. Mothers, meanwhile, are way more likely to spend their time managing households, planning social gatherings, and caring for others.
And somehow, we’ve convinced ourselves that because women do this work, they enjoy it.
That’s the trap.
This invisible labor that keeps families functioning so much, and no one even notices it’s there. No one sees the work, so no one questions the work. Women are expected to remember every minute detail. The birthdays, the playdates, the holidays.
And then we hand them another tool for the job and call it gratitude.
The unfortunate reality is that motherhood has become an identity that matters above all others. No longer viewed as someone within her career, her hobbies, or her personality, but instead how she can provide for everyone else. She becomes a mother and it ends there.
Sociologist Sharon Hays professed,
“Contemporary beliefs posit motherhood as intensive and sacred. Motherhood is based on the assumption that all women need to be mothers in order to be fulfilled. The gifts promoted for Mother’s Day certainly reflect this theory” (thesocietypages.org).
Even though there is a higher statistic for money spent on Mother’s Day than Father’s day, it is most likely because a woman out there is unwrapping a brand new stand mixer, and matching knife set to go with it.
Elliott Erwitt’s “Busy Mom”
Of course, when you’re young, the only real thing that you know about your mother is how she takes care of you and the house. This feeds into the expectation of a woman always wanting and needing to do chores.
But women are not born to become support systems.
They are people.
People with dreams, aspirations, hobbies, and talents, that didn’t end once they became mothers.
The Pew Research also brings up how women are more likely to host social events and parties. Although this is still viewed as leisure, the amount of work that is poured into making sure everyone is fed, enjoying themselves, and cleaned up after is just everyday tasks on a bigger scale, covered up by chips, dip, and laughter.
Most of the time on Father’s day, men are given gifts that represent what it “means to be a man”. Reinforcing the idea that men deserve opportunities to recharge, connect with friends, and pursue personal interests.
What would happen if we extended this same thinking to mothers?
At Trouble, it’s important to us that we move past these outdated gender roles. Mothers should be thanked for their full selves- not just their sacrifice or labor, but their individuality, ambition, and complexities.
And fathers should be seen in their fullness too- not only as providers or punchlines, but as deeply involved caregivers, partners, and individuals whose emotional presence and hard work help to shape family life.
So ask yourself this question:
Are you rewarding the person and their identity, or the work that they’ve done that has benefitted others?
Celebrate their strength.
Celebrate their individuality.
Celebrate their identity.
Celebrate both mothers and fathers—not as opposites, but as whole people.
While we’re at it, let’s invite the men in our lives into the conversation. Speak up on behalf of the women in your lives when you feel she’s being taken for granted. Reject these outdated gender roles. Celebrate the men who constantly advocate for equity and equality against gender norms.
Mothers and Fathers deserve more recognition for all that they do.
They deserve their recognition for who they are.
Stay tuned for more insights and inspiration.
Share what you learn here with the TroubleMakers you know and love.
SPEAK UP – SPEAK OUT. THIS REALLY MATTERS.